Smiles in rime

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PROPERTY OF THE

Mickijm

1TES SCIENTI

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<> 1

K'-^

**i."

CAUTIOH Please handle this volume with care.

The paper is very brittle.

pHILADtLPHIA

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Copyright 1904 by the Penn Pubushing Company

138469

^-^^^ J ■ avid

— ..■»

■«;.."'.—:.. :3

PURELY PROSE

Q It is quile possible that some Gentle Reader will find m
these puges the Little Thing he wrote when Grandma
died, or his Lines to Brothei Henry upon the burning of
the latler's soap factory. He may even nodce in this case
that his name is not attached to the verses. This is nol
because I have the slighlefl feeling about the name, but
because I don't know it. Otherwise I would cheerfully
print his pidure in two colors at the head of the firfl
column, next to reading matter, and urge everybody to use
no other. But things quotable have a faBhion of floating
around with no names attached, and it sometimes happens
that people wake up in the night and chuckle at out verses
when only the grocer remembers whether we spelled the
name with two t's or one.

Q About half these verses have not been printed before.
Tlie others have been gathered from many private scrap-
books and other sources. Some of them are old favorites.
Miss Wells' "Tutor" is one, .
Man with a Beard '" is another.
one of Gilbert's appear to ha>
transmission ; but they £ti1I seem ti
haps no harm is done.

Q With these apolofpes the book is offered to all eameft
seekers after truth. The point of each rime is eluddated
by a diagram, executed with scholarly exactness and two
lands of ink, a feature which it is hoped may be found
helpful where the treatise is used in the Training of the
Young, An et^licHi for infant classes, in words of one
syllable, will be issued when the demand becomes impera-

and Edward Lear's "Old

One of Lear's rimes and

e been twined a little in

lake

A PRIZE FOR NONSENSE RIMERS

^ On eveiy seccHicl page of the book is the tide and fiiit line
of a nonsense lime or humorous poem. The pubEshen
of the book offer a prize of One Hundred Dollars for die
beft original stanza completing one of these rimes. The
following ccHiditicHis mu^ be ^triddy observed.

^ The verses submitted muSt be accompanied by the author's
name and address, written on die coupon which will be
found inside the back cover of the book.

^ No coupon may be accompanied by more than three
rimes or poems.

^ No rime or poem may have more than six lines.

^ All verses submitted muSt reach the Penn Publishing Com-
pany, 923 Arch Street, Philadelphia, by June I, 1905.

Q The publishers cannot promise to answer que^ons about
the competition, all necessary informaticHi being given above.

r
ft

NO DRESSING, PLEASE

Unto a lillle African,
A-swimming in the Nile,
Appeared, quite unexpectedly,
A hungry crocodile;
And, with that chill politeness

That makes the warm blood Freeze,
Said, " I'll take a little dark meat
^('Ithout dressing, iF you please I"

ij.^^^

M

SOILED

ary had a tittle lamb,

Its fleece was white as snow,

She took il out to Pittsburgh,
And now —

look

the

blamed
thing I

THEOLOGICAL

A divinity student named
Dod

WHAT IT WAS

'T^here was a sign upon the fence,
■■' The sign read, " Paint,"
And every one who passed that way-
Sinner and saint —
Put out a Finger, touched the Fence,
And onward sped ;
And, as they wiped their finger tips,
" It is," they said.

so CUTE

Darling Do I lie,

Mamma's pride

GOOD INTENTIONS

'Tphere was a fair maid from Oslend,

Who said she'd hold out to the end;
But when half way over
From Calais to Dover
She'd done what she didn't intend.

nr

GAMEY

I think," said Dr. Probenkill,
"We'll wait a little longer,
And not cut into him until
He gets a little stronger."
The patient raised his head again,

And murmured, " Tell me, please,
What do you fellows take me for —
A hunk of Roquefort cheese ? "

FLIMSY
Henry had a paper eye

THE LIMIT

\ gallant young man from the west
■^ Wooed a maid in the east with much zest ;
So hard did he press her
To make her say " Yes, sir " —
He broke three cigars in his vest.

ONE BELOW

Little Willy had a mirror,
And he licked the back all off,
Vainly thinking, in his terror,

It would cure the whooping-cough.
At the fun'ral said his mother
To her neighbor, Mrs. Brown,
' 'Twas a chilly day for Willy

When the mercury went down."

CARELESS

A sporty young fellow named Joe
Took his girl to an animal show ;
When the jaguar ate her,
He murmured, " I hate her ! —
he never knows how far to go."

DENSE

Upon his chair a pin we set,
While Teacher lingered
in the hall.
We all enjoyed the joke — and

yet
He couldn't see the point at allJ

ABSTEMIOUS

I seldom drink ink with
my meals

A SWEET THOUGHT
" Tf half this road were made of jam,
The other half of bread,
How very nice my walks would be,"
The greedy infant said.

r

A COLOR SCHEME

'T^^here was a young girl from Japan,
-*■ Who eloped with a cannibal man ;
Ace-black, was the fellow,
The girl a bright yellow,
And the children were all black-and-tan.

OUT OF PLACE

Uncle, when his feet were damp,
VC'ent and wrapped them round the lamp ;
^ But his young, determined niece
Hoved them to the mantelpiece.

TOO THIN
'TT^here was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so exceedingly thin,
That when she essayed i

To imbibe lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

RESTFUL

The fly-paper sheets
on my bed

SEE?

Said Cecie, " I've stepped down to see
That submarine slip out to sea."
' But see," says Seaman Hennessy,
' She sinks with such a secrecy,
[ We seldom sees her go to sea ;
Ye cannot see her now, for she
Has gone to sea herself," says he.

^

THE BIRD IN HAND
'Tphere was an old man who said, " Hush,
-*■ There's a bird, I am sure, in that bush-
But I can't understand
How to get it in hand,
For it's three times as big as the bush ! "

CONTRARY

TT Then Francis went fishing with Mary,

' He threw her right out of the boat ;
Said he, " Now just see how contrary-
She is even attempting to float 1 "

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X^ ASPIRATION ^^M

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A pleasing young woman named ^^H
-^ Phebe ^H

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Aspired to be known as a Hebe. ^^H

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But since she must she be, ^^H

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How could she be Hebe? ^^H

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A Phebe could never a he be. ^^H

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MANNERS

Though fingers were made
before forks

/

POOR DOTTIE

Prigged her mother's pickled peaches,
Dottie did— and died with screeches.
Heed this touching tale ; it teaches
Mothers shouldn't pickle peaches.

NOW, RILEY,
REALLY !

When Riley rolled
into the reel

PACHYDERMATOUS

^here was a young man so benighted

He didn't know when he was slighted ;
He'd go to a party,
And eat just as hearty
\s though he'd been really invited.

DISAPPOINTMENT

The 'Willie-Boy that
Bertha bought

A

TO TEW, TOO

tardy young damsel from Tew
Once started to catch the 2.02.
Said the porter, " Don't hurry,
Or worry, or scurry,
It's a minute or two to 2.02."

SURE!

I never saw a Purple Cow —
I hope I'll never see one ;
Bui from the Purple Milk we gel,
I know that there must be one.

THE TOOTER

Tutor who tooted the flute,
Tried to teach two young toot-
ers to toot ;
Said the two to the Tutor,
Is it harder to toot, or
To tutor two tooters to tool?"

DICTATORIAL
A portly, imperious hen

HARD TO PLEASE

My fur-lined overcoat, they say,
Is heavy for an August day ;
My suit of gauze, too, I remember,
They thought was chilly for December.
To please them all would try a saint —
1 think I'll wear a coat of paint.

A'

MISAPPLIED ENERGY
muscular Turk of Stamboul
Tried to pull out the tail of a mule.
A coroner's Ju-
Ry the body did view,
And brought in the verdict—" Damfool."

ACCIDENTS WILL HAPPEN

lYyTy waist is so ample in size

-^'-^ That I can't see my feet with my eyes ;

So I sometimes have found

When they should touch the ground

They are really turned up to the skies.

1

A LITTLE TOO

MUCH

Puella Porter
was a Peach

E

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MAYBE IT WAS

'T^here was a young man of St. Bees,

Who was stung on the nose by a Wasp,
When they asked, " Does it hurt ? "
He replied, " No, it doesn't ; "
But he thought all the white 'twas a Homet.

p

I

CONSIDERATE

Polly poked out
Peter's eye

_

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■

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1

H MOTHER'
^H T ittle Geor^
^P ^ Licked i
^H Such a though
^H Helps dear mt

S LITTLE HELPER
jie, full of glee,
:he paint off the settee j
tful little man—
>ther all he can !

1

1

A

TWO OF A KIND

fellow named Teddy Magee,

Returning one day from a spree,
Met the parson, who said —
" Ah, drunk again, Ted ! "
" So'm I, parson," guttled Magee.

TV^*^

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MONOPOLY

The bullthrush drunes
•her deepling note

w

DELICACY

hen undressed lumber Percy spied
He delicately turned aside ;
And at a bare suggestion he
Would blush with virgin

modesty. I

He'd use no street if it was

shady —
In fact, he was a Perfect Lady.

'TT^here was a young woman named Perkins,

With a passionate love for green gherkins ;
But once, just for sport,
She ate more than a quart,
And pickled her internal workings.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY
No, Gertie, grandpa's

TUT-TUT, MAUDIE I

Little dabs of powder,
Little spots of paint,
Make my Auntie Maudie's cheeks
Look like what they ain't.

TIED UP
'Tphere was an old lady of Delf,
■^ Who was wholly wrapped up in herself;
It might have been kinder
To try to unwind her —
But they left her in knots on the shelf.

CLOSE
FIGURING

Would you jew a Jew
if a Jew jewed you?

QUEERED

'T^hcre was an Old Man with

"*■ a beard,

\Cho said, " It is just as I

Feared I —
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my
beard I "

WOULD HE CHUCK?

How much wood would a |
woodchuck chuck,
If a woodchuck could chuck |

wood?
Why, a woodchuck would
chuck all the wood he
could chuck,
IF a woodchuck could chuck
wood I

DISCONNECTING JENNIE
r the ball is over
Jennie takes out her

After t
Je,

ass eye,
Puts her false teeth in the

tumbler,
Stops up her bottle of

dye —
Stands her cork leg

in the corner,
Hangs up her hair on

the wall —
And all that is left

goes

After the ball.

^"^

H4CHLY
COtORED

^T^S^^ '-'"' 4«y t Me " pound

1^

THE KITTY IN THE WOODS
n innocent maid from the city,
When she saw wl

thought was a kitty,]

A

Said, " I'll give it a pat ;"

But she didn't do that,

\nd they buried her clothes — what a pity !

DIRT CHEAP

A Jovial hippogriff in
sport

DISPOSING OF BERTIE

TJertie, on the railroad track,

Failed to hear the engine squeal ;
Now the engine's coming back.
Scraping Bertie off the wheel.

THE BUZZY BEE

ow doth the little buzzy bee
Delight to bark, and bite !

H

He gathers honey all the day—
And eats it up at night.

^■i

^

LIMITATIONS

Why can't I tighl llki
other girls ?

IMPRUDENT
■^he baby's tumbled in the well ? —

How careless, Bridget — I'm surprised :

You should have called me when he fell,
That water is not sterilized.

TURNED DOWN
"•^0 ask Pa-pa," the maiden said.
VJ The young man knew Pa-pa was dead,

And knew the sort of life he'd led;
So understood her when she said,
"Go — ask Pa-pa."

I

HER DREAM

She twined the ham-
mock in her hair

A

THNKGD

fellow named Ivan Ketchinski,
Who lived at Marhatshevsdoibinski,

Said, *'My name, I admit.
Is a sneeze and a spit,
But thank God it's not Sktschemaskcholvinski.'

%^^^

COMPLIMENTARY

Said the ape to the

ornithorynchus

THE PREDATORY PEWEE

A~ pewee robbed a zebra's nest,
The zebra grieved absurdly ;
*' Perhaps," she said, "you call it jest-
I think It most unbirdly."

-'"^^

AN ACCIDENT

When Dora dropped her
eyes she found

PROCRASTINATION
'TT^here was a young man from Si. Paul,
-*- Who fell in the spring in the fall :
Had he died in the spring
'Twoutd have been a good thing ;
But he didn't : he died in the fall.

DISTRACTION
A centipede was happy quite,
■^ *■ Until a frog, in fun,
Said, " Pray, which leg comes

after which ? "
Which raised her mind to such

a pitch
She lay distracted in the ditch,
Considering how to run.

FEELING

[n tradition oF artists there lingers
A tale of a lady named Mingers,
Who said, " Feeling — of art
Is the very first part " —
ISo she dabbed on the paint with her fingers.

CONSERVATISM

When people give
me good advice

IEMIMA'S INDISPOSITION
jfemiina ate Jam, and Jemima
' ate jelly,
Jemima went home with a pain

in her

Now don't be alarmed, and

don't be misled,
Jemima went home with a pain
in her head.

IMPERTURBABILITY

That tired feeling, Archibald

DISTRUST

T hate to use a folding bed,
■*■ Because I've oft been told,
That many little lambkins have
Been gathered in the fold.

THE PINPUSH PURK

I will take a yard, I think,
Of that pretty purplish pink ;
It will look, well in a bow
On my pinklish purp, you know.

CROWDED
""\17"iii you, Mr. Jones," said she,
" Join me in a cup of tea ? "
"I should be delighted," quoth
Jones, "but is there room for both?"

M

SO PLAYFUL

erry, laughing, little Moses
Cut off both his brothers' noses,
Made them look so very queer
That mother said, " Why, Moses,
dear I "

I

NEATNESS
TF down his throat a man should choose.

In fun, to jump or slide,
He'd scrape his shoes against his teeth.
Nor soil his own Inside.
But if his teeth were lost and gone,
And not a stump to scrape upon,
He'd see at once how very pat
His tongue lay there by way of mat,
And he would wipe his feet on that I

A DILEMMA
T'm sorry 1 bought alt these eggs,
■*• For my cow's lost the use of its legs—

So I really must ask It

To get in my basket.
Though I seldom mix cows with my eggs.

^

GOOD AS NEW

Though Arthur was all
broken up

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-4/ POCKET MONEY ^^H

\ "TTere's twenty millions, ^^H
^i^ ^^ sir," they said ^^^k

To Reggie Rockabilter Phelps. ^^H

^H

w thanks, just lay it on the bed," ^^H

Yawned Reggie, "" every little helps 1 "^^^|

The

BOTH USEFUL
iose are not cows beside the Fenlce ;

ley're only calves. Remember, Nelly, |
quite important difference —
cows give milk, and calves give jelly.